I, living here in the hills and woods of my hermitage, am trying to find my true self and establish a true relationship with God in a more "mystical and contemplative" manner than I can experience in the active setting of the business/social world. This is, of course, only one of many ways to approach this truth and this relationship. For me, the practice of silence, solitude, contemplation, and following the rhythms of the day, is the best way for me to "see."

However, I, like many others, have found that the road, whether active or passive, can be strewn with many potholes. The deeper and nastier of these obstructions seem to have always come from my own reasoning and understanding. They have come when I have forgotten the simple truths God has placed within our very beings, the truths and realities of our union with God. This union is forged in the deep furnace of spiritual intuition, revealing what is already all around us.

I believe that what enters this place of spiritual intuition comes from a divine source and is infused freely into each of us by grace. In my opinion the problems begin when we attempt to use our understanding to inform our reason at this intuitive spiritual level rather then allowing our intuitive spiritual knowing to inform us.

In our reasoning capacity, there is a place that is sensitive to detecting and "seeing" and being filled with divine truths; a place that each of us needs to behold and listen to from a silent and simple center within ourselves, free of the noise of "under-standing." Merton describes such a place where "some men, with some of the simplicity of Noah, will always be capable of seeing nature and created things for what they are, signs and pledges of our union with God."

Here is one example of how this plays out practically for me in my hermitage, Hill House. As Heidi dog and I walk the hills, valleys, and woods, I have come to hear many messages from what surrounds me on these walks, walks prepared for by time spent in centering and contemplative prayer. One such message, apparent to all, is that there is no lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh or pride of life operative in the animal, plant, or inanimate life that I walk past and through. Yes, natures is "red in tooth and claw";however, that is not the point here. I realize that unless I bring these dimensions of lust with me on these walks, they are not present.

In my humble opinion, God shows me, through nature, that there is a place where my reason can be free of the lust of the eyes, lust of the flesh and pride of life, where I can just "be" in God's presence ö a place where a simple intuition of the truth (simplex intuitas veritatis) can happen through divine in-filling, free of interference, where I can hear it and apply it to life.

Arriving back at my door after one of those unavoidable weekly excursions outside the hermitage, I noticed that my love of solitude, if not my entire vocation, was immediately placed in doubt for a couple of days. The experience seemed to be a pattern of psychic and physical stages that had to be endured before the fruits of prayer and solitude could once again be accessed. Given that my hermitage is in a busy urban area, and my once-a-week excursions involve teaching, the contrast between the world and the cell is probably more pronounced in my case than in a rural hermitage situation.

By tracking the movement from exteriority to interiority with some precision, I have put together a small chart that has helped me immeasurably during those hours or days when I'm trying to settle back into my spiritual rhythm. What follows, then, is offered to those who struggle at the threshold, that they may perhaps benefit from the heightened contrast that comes with my living situation.

First six hours: Excitement, pacing, and nervous energy; increased appetite; desire to go back out or call someone to follow up a thought; prayer or work is bitter to the taste.

Next eighteen hours: Lonely, unhappy; distracted, can't find God or peace in prayer; replaying conversations, noting things I should have said; nervous energy transforms into a generalized anxiety, guilt, and worry; energy depleted, drained.

Next twenty-four hours: Busy dreams, sexual arousal; still tempted to go out; still drained, off-center; stray memories/thoughts rising in the residue of previous conversations; some desire for prayer, meditation and spiritual reading but concentration still not there.

Afterwards: Loneliness and sexual temptation are drastically lowered or completely dissipated; concentration and attention to prayer returns; happy, peaceful and joyful feelings are possible; energy increasingly rises and peaks typically on Day Four of solitude; no desire to leave hermitage.

Seeking to shorten these times or to lessen their negative effects has required, over time, adopting a number of practices or rules of thumb. First, quite a bit depends on what disposition I bring to the excursion in the first place. If I can bring the fruits of my previous solitude to my colleagues through patience, joy, love, simplicity of gesture and word, and of course, constant prayer in and between conversations and tasks, then I stand to gain, and perhaps they will also.

Upon returning to the hermitage, when prayer is the last thing I want to do, I gain much by asking God or the saints for help and doing my prayers anyway ö with all my muscle if necessary. Nervous energy can sometimes be successfully channeled into simpler, more physical prayers, work or penitential practices.

Finally, consulting the list above has helped me to remember that it will soon pass on its own and I need not be angry at myself or the world for all this disruption.

Readings in Spirituality - Annotated Bibliography by Sharon Jeanne Smith 31pp. $10.00

Solitude & Union: A Select Bibliography on the Hermit Way of Life by Cecilia W. Wilms 26pp. $8.00

Commentary on Canon 603 from "The Law of Consecrated Life" by Jean Beyer SJ, 1988 Translated from the French by W. Becker, 1992 10pp. $3.00

Hermits: The Juridical Implications of Canon 603 by Helen L. Macdonald, Researcher Novalis: St. Paul University, Ottawa, ONT 24pp. $8.00

Notes to Guide the Beginning Hermit by A Hermit of Mercy 15pp. $5.00

Statutes for Hermits by The Bishops of France (1989) 12 pp. $4.00

Discernment Survey 1996 6pp. $2.00

Raven's Rest

Retreatants welcome to schedule time at Raven's Rest (a fully furnished apartment with private entrance) here at Still Wood. Offers opportunity to experience solitude and silence on a forested mountainside in the Smokies. Spiritual Direction available upon request. Suggested offering $20.00 per day includes meals. For further information, contact:

Book Notices and Recommendations

How the Wild Things Pray by William Cleary. A collection of prayer-poems written from the perspective of forty different Wild Things - birds, insects, fish, fowl, and four-footed creatures. Following each prayer is an insightful and humorous "Praxis for Today" that extends the wisdom of Wild Things into daily life. Forest of Peace Publishing, 251 Muncie Road, Leavenworth, KS 66048-4946; 1999, Paper, 111 pp. $12.95. To order: 1-800-659-3227.

Carnival Tales for Blind Ben See by Roger Robbenolt. A master storyteller relates the healing from abuse of a teen-age boy who finds temporary refuge among the scarred and beautiful folk of Blind Ben See's carnival family. Forest of Peace Publishing, 251 Muncie Road, Leavenworth, KS 66048-4946; 1999, Paper, 167 pp. $11.95. To order: 1-800-659-3227.

The Hermit, A Personal Discovery of Prayer by David Torkington. Through conversations with a hermit on a remote Scottish isle, the author instructs the beginner in the first stages of a prayer life. Alba House, Staten Island. 1999, Paper, 112 pp. $7.95

The Prophet, The Inner Meaning of Prayer by David Torkington. In this second volume of the trilogy, the author narrates two parallel stories about hermits to take the reader beyond the first stages of prayer to an understanding of role of sacrifice and self-denial. Alba House, Staten Island, 1999. Paper, 173 pp. $9.95

The Mystic: From Charismatic to Mystical Prayer by David Torkington. A rich and compelling tale that likens the various stages in our search for God to those of a successful marriage. Alba House, Staten Island, NY, 1999, Paper, 128 pp. $7.95

(The Hermit, The Prophet and The Mystic may be ordered as a set for $21.95. Alba House: 1-800-343-2522)